The Growth of One Alzheimer’s Caregiver
I Wish…

By Bob DeMarco

Once I entered the Alzheimer's world I learned something fascinating -- my mother is full of feelings and emotion. I learned that I could connect with her....

I am an Alzheimer's Caregiver. My mother Dorothy, 93 years old, suffers from Alzheimer’s. We live our life one day at a time.
This is not a lament. I have no any regrets when it comes to caring for my mother. However, I often wish I had known more about Alzheimer's when the diagnosis came in. I wish I knew what to do from day one. I wish....

I now know there are lots of things I could have done to improve the quality of life of my mother. I could have focused sooner, years earlier, on her feelings and capabilities. Instead I focused on learning about Alzheimer's disease, the science, treatments, and how to deal with this new crazy behavior. I was trying to understand and take control of the situation. I wish I knew more about Alzheimer's before it came into our lives.

I now know I was making mistakes. They were not intentional, but still mistakes.

The first big mistake I made was doing everything for my mother. This one example really stands out.  For as long as I could remember my mother bought lottery tickets.   Every day. I thought it was crazy buying those lottery tickets. Here is what I missed. It was important to her. It was a part of the pattern of her life. It was a form of entertainment, exercise, and a release from the boredom of day in and day out being elderly.
   
It was important to her.  Then I made my big mistake.  I     took the lottery away from my mother. 

I figured I would save her this daily lottery buying trip and each Saturday I would go myself and buy her 7 tickets.  For several weeks I did this.  Then one Saturday I took my mother into the store with me to buy the lottery tickets herself.   She had no clue what to do.  None.  A habit of several decades had been unlearned.

This was the second time I had been hit in the back of my head by Alzheimer's.  And I learned an important lesson.

I told my mom’s doctor about the situation. He asked if I was doing everything for my mother -- I told him yes. He explained to me that if I continued to do that soon my mother wouldn't be able to do anything. He explained to me how she wouldn't be able to relearn how to do things.

He said these very important words to me -- You are the ONE.

He explained how I was the only one and who knew what my mother could and couldn't do. He advised me to let her do anything that she could do, and not to let anyone deter me with their criticism.

I learned to let my mother do things. I realized we could do more than I had been imagining. I began to learn about the importance of keeping my mother in the real world. I learned that I needed to keep my mother in the world by living our life as we always had.
I started to learn the path into Alzheimer's world.

I then learned you couldn’t restore the abilities of a person with Alzheimer's once they lose ability. You cannot teach a person suffering from Alzheimer's how to behave correctly, or the way you want them to behave.