FEATURE ARTICLE
Communicating via Phone When Loved Ones
Have Dementia

Dementia by Day | By: Rachael Wonderlin

I wanted to send out a brief email on how to communicate with your loved ones via the telephone. I don’t want to launch into a whole thing about coronaviruses, because if you’re anything like me, that’s ALL you’ve been hearing about recently. I certainly don’t need to tell you anything more on that.

I do, however, want to give you some thoughts and considerations for how to discuss this with your loved ones with dementia.

Some of you may not be able to visit your loved ones because of safety rules and regulations, or, perhaps, you’re just concerned about getting them sick. I think that is wise: our older adults, particularly those with other health issues, are at higher risks of getting sick.

Here are my tips:

1. Stay calm. Anxiety is very contagious. When you are visiting or talking with someone living with dementia, do your best not to bring them into your anxiety. Trust me: it won’t make you feel better, either.

2. If you are not able to visit your loved one, assess if they can use the telephone. Have you called them before? Do they understand who is calling when you speak? How is their hearing? Consider whether it makes sense to reach out to them via phone.

3. If it DOES make sense to reach out via phone, make a little script of what you want to say to them.
I would recommend avoiding a whole explanation of why you can’t visit. It is likely to be confusing and isn’t really solution-based. A good thing to say is, “I’ll see you soon, things have been pretty busy lately, I love you and I’ll be by ASAP.”

4. This really goes for any phone conversation, but try to not over-introduce yourself. By this I mean, don’t call and say, “Hi, mom, this is your eldest daughter, Lynn.” (Unless, of course, that’s the same sentence you’ve been using this whole time and it would be strange to change it now.) I recommend something like, “This is Lynn,” because it gives your listener an opportunity to define who Lynn is to them. Your mom may know that Lynn is her daughter, but she may be picturing Lynn as a 10-year-old. You don’t sound 10, so she thinks you’re a different Lynn.

5. Recognize that, no matter your circumstances, you are doing the absolute best that you can. Your loved ones know that you love them. You are not neglecting your person by not seeing them or calling them: you’re doing the best that you can to keep them safe and happy. Most people living with dementia who cannot use the phone anymore also do not understand the passage of time. For example, there’s a very real chance that they’ll think you were there yesterday when you see them for the first time in a week.

If you are able to visit, visit, but please do not visit if you are sick. This is not new information, either, because most communities emphasize that particular fact every flu season. This season is an extenuating circumstance, but you are not alone in your anxiety.

I hope that this is helpful for you. Your loved one’s community is working tirelessly to ensure that their residents are safe and sound—I know this because I see both sides of the equation here, and I know how carefully senior living companies are planning and protecting their people.

www.rachaelwonderlin.com/ ■